Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
