I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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