LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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