I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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