Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
