I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
