Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
