i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
