This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
