Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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