just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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