Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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