Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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