Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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