I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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