The best revenge is premature balding
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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