I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
