She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize