He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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