I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
