I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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