all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
