New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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