Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
