GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
