dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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