This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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