Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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