i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize