morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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