Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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