Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
