She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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