oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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