I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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