Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
