i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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