Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
