Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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