Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize