why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
