she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
