Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
