When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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