remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
