I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
