P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
