Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Randomize
