if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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