She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
