hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
