today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
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