In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You pole danced in your parka.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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