I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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