Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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