Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
