Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
