HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
