I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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