how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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