sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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