I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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