i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
