In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
