ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
